92 Days of Dani

New Years went off without a hitch. For once, there were no alcohol-related dramatics, parties that turned out to be a bust or even excessive vomiting on my bathroom floor. Just good friends, family and marshmallow vodka.

Somehow, I find myself with the same person every new years eve- at least for the past 3 or 4 years. And our relationship has gone from weird awkward dating stage to friends with added benefits and finally, as of yesterday, two friends who really have walked some really similar paths in life.

This New Year felt different, melancholy almost. No matter how close I could have been to everyone there, in the back of my mind was Mr. Big, floating around in my head, celebrating midnight with questionable faces in southern California, not thinking about the Texas girl he seemlessly left behind- with reason, of course. I guess I could have had that New Years kiss that seems so important to everyone in those few seconds after the ball drops, but the truth of the matter is that no matter who it was- if it wasn’t Mr. Big, then there wouldn’t be sparks. Mr. Big made me spark, he made things special and I’m not all too excitable but Mr. Big knew how to ignite the spark without even having to try.

I guess I could go on forever about how perfect the beginning of 2012 would have been had he been the one in my bed at the end of the night and the first face I saw on January 1st when I woke up with the room spinning. But I think that’s what moving on is- no matter how much it hurts to see his favorite football team on the tv or learn something new that you want to tell him, you just CANT. And just because something as stupid as a football team makes your heart leap… its just familiarity. He’s not coming back, and he’s certainly not going to love you again just because you can still relate to him from far away.

So I won’t go on forever, and I’ll just be thankful for that ONE New Years friend that has always been there. The one that knows how hurt you are and decides to spend time with you anyways. The one that understands why you didn’t kiss him at midnight instead.

I used to think that I’d always known who I’d end up with ten years down the road. Someone intelligent, good-natured, funny, and tall with a knack for annoying me in a strange, charming way.

…and I’m sure at any point between being 19 and confused and 21 and still not ready, I had that chance. Mr. Big was raw about his feelings. He held nothing back while I held everything in- my mind like a seesaw changing from the ups of a yes and the downs of a no. Did I want to invest my time in it? Was a long-distance relationship in the books for me? More importantly, was I willing to ditch the conniving douchebags I’d loved to spend nights with?

Clearly, I was more inclined to spend nights with guys who liked whiskey, cigarettess and the sport of getting as many girls into their beds before college was over. Mr. Big hated cigarettes. And when he kissed me, he meant it.

I don’t know why it was easy for me to be so back and forth with him. Every time I decided I didn’t want to be serious anymore, he always had the same answer. “Okay, if that’s what is best for you” or some variation of that- I never thought those words would come back to haunt me, being as they were always a safety net, the arms that catch you before you fall. But I should have known then, that Mr. Big would do BIG things and see that there was this big world out there, full of girls that weren’t into breaking hearts or being me. And he did… oh, he did.

Then something happened: I began to love hearing about his days, I admired his point of view on llife, valued his intelligence, wanted to hug him when my day had gone to shit, talk about things I’d read with him and only him just to listen to what he thought about it. I wanted to be there when his very demanding job was becoming way too much for him, and I wanted to give him the back massages he was always jokingly asking for, and I wanted to trade in my Friday and Saturday nights to be comfortable on a couch with him, no matter where it was, even if it was in the middle of nowhere. Sure enough, I felt, maybe… this was what people talked about when they said they loved someone.

And of course, because of my lack of a lot of things, this realization came much too late, and Mr. Big was too busy for my selfish immaturity, and who can blame him? It was too late to say that I’d had many discussions with friends and family about really wanting to tell him how I felt and if he’d accepted me, I would have done anything in my power to make it work- even if it meant changing my life plans around a little. And I tried, because poets and wise people are always telling you to take risks becaus they can change your life.

But that crashed and burned… like, literally burned. And Mr. Big didn’t come chasing me asking me to change my mind when I told him that I couldn’t even be his friend anymore, realizing that it hurt too much. Mr. Big and I didn’tt have a dramatic ending where he somehow realized he felt the same and there was a kiss and a lifetime of happiness. Mr. Big didn’t even make any mention of that, he said the few words that I’d become so accustomed to for so long “If you feel like that’s what you need to do, then okay. I hope it helps.”

So I guess the poets were right, risks do change your life, but not always in the way you expect them to.

I wonder if this is supposed to take long- for people to just fade away.

Its funny because I once swore that nothing could ever make me forget about previously mentioned Mr. Filmmaker and here I am, years later, and I rarely think about the guy. If I ever do, I guess it has more to do with what his intentions were. I mean… he couldn’t have thought that everything he did was going to end well, right? The larger part of me anticipates to hear about the day they’re getting married, or that soon, they’ll be expecting a baby, and sometimes- I THANK MY LUCKY STARS it was her and not me. Now I realize this sounds awful, but I see now that my life was much better off as being the one who came in second because deep down- I knew I only had a small part in his crazy mind, while her whole entire life revoled around his, and everything he did/does. Its no secret that she is and always will be his crazed comfort, the one thing that will never say no or leave him alone. Could I have said the same for myself?

I regret some things I did with him but I mostly regret that I let myself get carried away into believing so much more than what my heart could take in and I think that’s how all of this actually happened. He’s good… I’ll admit that.

But stories won’t get you far and one day, I’m very convinced that he’ll learn the hard way that life is no movie- its real, and people hurt when you let them.  This is the part where I ask myself why the hell I kept one thing of his and I just think that its here to remind me of that part of my life. Especially, that I am able to love with a pure heart and even though it wasn’t returned, I truly believe I got the best and brightest side of a really bad situation. I got to get out of it free and on top of that- I met someone else, someone who showed me more than he probably even knows; I’m still me without this heartbreaker, I can tell someone else about myself and they’d still appreciate it. I can care with the same intensity and NOT get my heart broken. Because you see, Mr. Filmmaker broke mine and just as I built it back together, this new person built his house in it.

Maybe that’s the thing about hearts- once they’re broken one time, you can put them back together, even though they won’t be the same. But once someone, anyone, builds their house in your heart, at least in my case, I’ve taken extra care not to ever let those walls come crashing down on top of them. People live there now, people worth saving and there’s nothing that can be important enough anymore to ruin any of that.

I have two options: be married with kids or be single and fabulous for the rest of my life.

It’s not that I’m a pessimist- I try not to be. But in all honesty, I believe I was destined to be a single woman for the rest of my life. Am I okay with that? For the most part, yes. I love my job, I love not spending money on kids or a boyfriend, and I love the freedom of being able to say yes to anything I’m invited to. But when the sun goes down and my girlfriends are with THEIR boyfriends, I have nothing to do except wonder what it is that has kept me completey from committing to a relationship.

My innability to trust most men comes from four years of a troublesome relationship. Now, I find myself talking/dating men simply for the entertainment of it. Am I willing to commit? Usually not.

Maybe it’s this city. El Paso has this weird complex, where the men seem to have been around way too many times. They like EL PASO GIRLS- which I am not. El Paso Girl being the following things: short, exotic looking girl who loves tight dresses and wears heels everywhere. Usually gives into a lot, willling to drop their world for a man who will sweep them off their feet. Why am I so awkwardly out of place in this town that I’ve grown up in? My ideal day outfit does not include heels or booty shorts, and I buy things because they’re pretty, not because they show off whatever goods I may or may not have. My school and work comes before most things, and I’m quick to fire back with anything.

The interesting thing is that with the two serious relationships I’ve had, neither one lives in this crazy city where EL PASO girls rule and macho guys who think they’re too good for anyone run the town.

help.

I don’t know at what point I realized I was the only one on the Memorial Day trip that was single. It was right around the time when I was walking into the casino with my dad and Veronica, Ashley and Steve. For some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks

I’m the only one in my family that isn’t tied to anyone.

For one reason or another this kind of freaked me out. For as long as I could remember, all of the women in my family have always had someone. Whether it was a fling or a serious relationship, a date was always brought to family events.

I guess this could be different, but I don’t know what it is about myself that won’t settle for just something plain. Up until now I can say that very few have wowed me, and I don’t ask for much- just simplicity. Simplicity though, it gets complicated. I guess things could have been very different- had I not messed up the best relationship I ever had. Had I not trusted someone with multiple personalities. Had I not let myself completely love someone who couldn’t figure out his life…. had I not fallen into the same hole he did.

People always say time heals everything.

With time you’ll find someone

In time, you’ll settle.

Don’t worry, it just takes some time.

Right now is the wrong time.

Time screws with my head, and I wonder how soon this magical thing that happens to people called “time” will happen to me. And will I be ready? Well we did go 118 days without rain and guess what?

It finally rained.